Like, it’s an epidemic. And it must be stopped. It’s not even like a contagion, it is an actual contagion. It is inside all of our mouths, and it spews out like, every five seconds before words, after words and even like between words, so that like sentences don’t even like make sense. So rampant is its infestation that if you sit, anywhere in the English speaking world, and tune into the buzz of conversation around you it will be almost all you can hear. Well that, and me bitching about it.
“Like” has taken over, friends. And as is the case with any disease it does not discriminate. It first affected “Clueless” teenage Valley Girls, but now it has taken hold of everyone from professional working adults, “So like, the client said he like hated it all,” to accountants, “Is your business like S-Corp or C-Corp”, to medical doctors at the ER, “Like, is it is your knee or your hip that hurts most?” Listening to you hurts, Doctor.
I believe it’s time we put “like” back into its correct grammatical box for once and for all, before its stronghold kills all other words. Or Earth explodes and other planets news headlines read, “Like, the end of the human race.”
This year we eradicated Ebola. In 2016 we can eradicate this Ebola of words. And we don’t even have to wear hazmat suits, which is great because outfits that don’t show the waist are generally unflattering. We can kill “like” like we merrily killed pigs for gammon this Christmas, drank wine and said, “I do rather like Christmas!” (Note: Similarity is one correct use of “like”. Enjoyment is the other correct grammatical use of “like” Easy!)
Of course, there are serious things that we could change in our lives for 2016. Reaching greater mindfulness, exercising more, donating to Ebola health carers, subscribing to the awesome new blog elephantinmyhead.com, but maybe its time to take on something different. Or maybe I’m just bored with all the other resolutions. My inbox is already as distended with emails from gyms, yoga centers and juice bars as my stomach is from eating too many pigs with wine. They are all offering a new me. And the old me knows none of it is truly sustainable. Plus, the one yoga place I like (again, correct usage) I once did a shoulder stand at and farted coming out of it, rather mortifyingly, so I can’t go back there anyway.
I figure ridding yourself of “like” is easy. Mainly because I looked at the Global Language Monitor (GLM) and there are currently 1,025,109.8 English words available for your use. Yes, even without “like” you get 1,025,108.8 words. There’s even an .8th of word if you just need a tiny one. Google’s algorithm counts just 1,022,000 words, but that is still a shitload. And yes “shitload” is one of the million odd words per Merriam Webster you can use. Best of all, the GLM says there’s a new word created every 98 minutes, so if you’re at a real loss, wait for one coming freshly baked out of the English language oven. Or, make one up of your own. Web 2.0 became a word back in 2009, so the bar is decidedly low.
Who is with me? We’ve been throwing “like” around the same way we did “um” when we were teenagers lying about why the sherry bottle is empty. We are grown ups now who are capable of great things – algorithms for counting how many words we have, disease elimination, blogs called elephantinmyhead.com, creating S-Corps, knowing the difference between knees and hips, drinking with ham. We can do this. There’s even a wikihow if you need it. That’s how serious this is. On the same site you can learn how to save a small child from choking you can learn to lose the “like”.
I’m saying no to “like” in 2016. And I plan on taking down “cute” the stronger I get. But I’m taking it one day at a time, as with any resolution.
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