I clearly have a very successful career as a screenplay writer in my head, and now I’m also a blogger (thanks to the two people who subscribed to my blog who are not my boyfriend and my friend who was checking the sites analytics). But, if I were to choose another way to make money – so I could holiday in the kinds of places I deserve to in my head – I would go into juice, or candles.
Or maybe both. Juice and candles. And then my house would always smell like the Rag & Bone stores at Christmas and my digestive system would always be as clear as a luge track at the start of the winter. You see neither of these items – candles or juice – can be purchased for fewer than eight dollars.
Let’s begin with juice. It’s like there was some kind of minimum juicing law passed. Some juicing vigilante – highly energized because he’d only ever drunk juiced turmeric, dandelion and collard greens – got all the other people who make juice together. They all did fresh pressed ginger shots together and decided that if people cannot work at Walmart for under nine dollars an hour, there’s no way they could ever sell a single juice they make for under eight. And because they were all amped from the shots, they all saw the logic in that. And all the juicers did a secret, very firm because of their healthy bones handshake and went back to pressing what little life there is out of beet leaves. And they began charging $8 and up. And guess what? You know what, because you’re reading this post while you gulp down an $8 “Beet-a-Licious” aren’t you? Hell, I wrote it sipping on a $10 “All Hail to the Kale”. Hail these juices we do. We lap this stuff up like pro athletes taking erythropoietin in the back alley of the Olympic Village. Bless them, the OG juicers. And we laud the benefits of juice too. “The ‘Sweet Greens’ one actually made me shit myself, ” someone once told me enthusiastically. On that note, let’s talk about candles.
Scented candles cannot be purchased for less than double digits. Again, something happened.
Someone figured out that we really want our homes to smell like citrus orchards, or eucalyptus wood fires, or a library filled with marsh scented romance novels, and we flew like moths to their glorious smelling flames. This year a scented candle holiday gift can cost you up to $500. As I said before, I make my house smell like the Rag & Bone store at Christmas all year round and I happily throw out piles of dirty smelling money to do it. It is a little ridiculous. And while I’m a fool, I am still smart enough to do the math on how much it really costs to press roots and leaves in a world where fresh produce is abundant. And how much it really costs to make wax smell like 34 Saint Germain Boulevard. (Yes you can buy a Diptyque candle that smells like their original store in Paris. Of course I love it. Seems I have a thing for store smells…)
Here’s my theory though. I think the two industries – juices and candles – are in cahoots. You know, the “Sweet Greens” clears the pipes; the scented candle covers any evidence of said pipe cleaning. Think about it.
Will I stop buying juices and candles? No way. I have a loyalty card at Juice Served Here, and I will take my free juices there. Also, as a successful screenplay writer in my head, I will always reward myself for attempting to write with a long bath and a scented candle. And one day when I’m actually famous I plan to have my own candle range. It will smell like wool being pulled over your eyes with a hint of fresh pressed ginger.
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